Man Eegee’s Guide to Meaningful Latino Outreach

Consider this free advice to any lurking campaign operatives. And yes, this even includes the legions of Dogcatcher Chief of Staff’s CIA operatives that sit and refresh their browser every few minutes to see what nugget of wisdom I’ve shared with the world.

Man Eegee’s Guide to Meaningful Latino Outreach

Numero Uno, if you will (that first part was spanish; never ever under any circumstance should you refer to it as speaking mexican or beaner). Numero Uno: if you have no clue what a vihuela is – then you are not allowed to hire a mariachi group for one of your rallies. Sorry, it’s just the way it is. I’m a purist.

Numero Two: this one is offered in the spirit of bipartisanship, I mean, bilateralship, umm….bilingual. ship. It’s also your math lesson of the day: Reaching out to Latino/Latina voters ≠ sinking a ton of money into spanish-speaking media. That certainly helps, especially when it’s during the latest episode of Guerra de los Sexos, but though we might look foreign, most of us consume our news and info in English. Especially the younger crowd. It’s called code switching for the educated folks, we call it pocho, my mom calls it being a coconut.

Numero Tres: my nana may have popped an artery that time I took my negra girlfriend home to meet the familia*, but things have changed. Again, especially with the younger crowd. I credit Hip Hop music for bringing together the Black and Brown. The world underestimates at its peril the power that P Diddy holds over us all. Timbaland, too. A Kennedy endorsement’s got nuthin’ over these musical producer masterminds.

Numero Quatro: sure the stormtroopers raided Barrio Viejo and took half our families away, but immigration is not a Latino/Latina issue. At least, we didn’t make it that way. No, we see all these new reglas coming about and think, “Oye, I thought you always had to show forms of ID at a border entrance. How come they always busted out with that magnifying glass to inspect my license, social security card and Blockbuster membership?” The rest of you are barely catching up to the scrutiny we’ve always enjoyed (minus the palito with the mirror at the end of it that shows the greasy undercarriage of our ride. That one’s still reserved for us.)

Numero Cinco: You’d be smart not to ask a puertorriqueña or cubano or guatemalteco yada yada yada what part of Mexico they’re from. In fact, don’t even ask that of Mexicans, because that look of shock on your face isn’t very flattering when we tell you, “ummm, San Bernadino?”

Numero Seis: Photo ops with guacamole blotted all over the side of your birria-filled mouth at the taqueria stand isn’t going to help win our support. The same goes with that patch of white sugar on the tip of your nose after biting into a pupusa. We might be impressed by your judgment to stay far away from a Chipotle for your latest press conference, but that doesn’t mean we’ll vote for you. Unless you’re offering free food, then all bets are off the table.

Numero Siete: our schools are usually Centros de Asbestos y Mold – get to work on the why of that, and we’ll march in the streets for you, too. We need something to do now that Tomás Tancredo and Diego Hunter are out of the race.

Numero Ocho: until we see sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads deployed in the Great Lakes to ward off the invading hordes of drug traffickers, that wall better not get built in our yards.

Numero Nueve: Ranchera Culture is alive and well in parts of the U.S. Try visiting us out in the middle of nowhere, sometime. You can skip the ‘clearing brush’ bit to maintain a safe distance from anything George W. Bush related. And don’t worry, all the whispers you hear about those little towns being dangerous are all a front to keep out any newcomers who try to change the routine we’ve held for centuries. Oliver Stone can kiss our nalgas, however.

Numero Dies: The most important one, and probably the only relevant thing you’ll read in this post. Learn the word Plática and practice it. Use your boca, if you must; but even better to do it with your ears.

*Never happened. My nana was/is a saint…though she did throw a phone at my tata once. Whatever he did, he never did it again. Believe me.

 

Goats the Least of Trent Lott’s Worries

It appears our plan is working perfectly.

Lott’s farm work apparently does more for him than shield him from angry talk radio hosts. It also informs his lack of confidence in a fence as an effective border security measure.

“I’ve got two goats on my place in Mississippi. There ain’t no fence big enough or strong enough to hold them,” Lott said Wednesday. “People are at least as smart as goats, maybe not as agile … One of the ways I kept those goats in the fence is, I electrified it.”

Of course, Lott added, “I’m not proposing an electrified goat fence” for the southern border. “It’s an analogy here.”

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As long as he remains distracted, he’ll never find out the truth that the term alien is not all that far off the mark.

 

Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez Discovers Russell Pearce

Primeramente, quisiera dar la bienvenida a Alisa y su familia.

I wondered how long it would take for you to discover our resident (and regrettably elected) National Alliance-supporter, Russell Pearce. He will definitely provide you with tons of insipiration, and judging by your latest post, each one will be worth reading.

The excellent bill, sponsored by Republican Mark Anderson, failed to pass because several lawmakers in his own party decided the word “international” was too scary. Republican Rep. Russell Pearce, one of the bill’s opponents, summarized his objections thusly: “Our schools ought to be focusing on education that we, as Americans, espouse. We ought to concentrate on United States history and United States heroes.”

Other detractors said the bill would pave the way for scary terrorist organizations like the United Nations to take over our country.

I am very supportive of their view. In fact, I am so supportive of their isolationist, American-only view of the world that I propose we give them the entire city of Mesa, where they can live their lives only with those items made in the United States or invented by an American.

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Your points are well-taken on the laundry list of items and technologies that will need to be abandoned in order to support an American™ lifestyle. But please, for the love of Xochiquetzal, never ever suggest that he get naked again. The least you can do is offer him something from Sheriff Joe’s pink clothing and accesory line.

 

Cue the Apocalypse

The horror

The Puerto Rican boy band Menudo, which gave singer Ricky Martin his start, is coming back as part of an “American Idol”-style reality show.

Dozens of Latino teenagers showed up for auditions Saturday at a waterfront market in Miami, the Miami Herald reported. Judges included Johnny Wright, the music manager behind New Kids on the Block, ‘NSync and the Backstreet Boys, and Backstreet Boy Howie Dorough.

Do you think there will be a mullet and headband requirement?

 

A Logo is Worth 1000 Words

Either the AP caption writer is a SnarkMaster, or this is unintentionally hilarious

Democratic Presidential hopeful Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y., gestures during a speech before the National League of Cities meeting in Washington, Tuesday, March 13, 2007.

Gotta luv that One-Fingered Salute by the host agency’s logo. Ha