Santa Declared An Illegal in Russia

If this fiend invades the U.S. anytime soon, we’ll deport his ass. AND after kicking down his door, we better check the status of his wife, too, ‘cuz there’s a good chance that these two are conspiring to steal all our cookies and milk without giving anything back to society.

Betcha the elves are guilty of social security fraud, too.

And those arctic reindeer beasts? They’re taking away the jobs of the hardest-working American-born genetically-modified corn-fed reindeers in the world.

Merry Effing Christmas!

You might imagine that Santa would be welcome the world over… but you would be wrong.

A Kremlin official yesterday claimed that Father Christmas was an ‘imposter’ and an ‘illegal immigrant’.

Speaker of the Russian Parliament Boris Gryzlov insisted that the only authentic figure for bringing presents to Russia’s children was Ded Moroz – Grandfather Frost.

Mr Gryzlov was at Velikiy Ustyug, traditional home of Ded Moroz in the far north of the country, when he said: ‘No one will ever be able to take away Ded Moroz from Russia – not Santa Claus nor any other imposters.

UK Daily Mail

 

Mannequins for McCain

Undisclosed sources have reported that late this afternoon, while singing his daily-shower rendition of the 2007 NeoCon Hit Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb Iran, GOP Presidential Contender John McCain of Arizona was suddenly overcome by a nuclear reaction of an idea for the solution to winning the Global War on Terror™.

Speaking to reporters at a hastily-called press conference in South Carolina where the Senator was campaigning for the day, McCain excitedly explained, “Mannequins! I know it sounds crazy, but what better way to ensure our country’s freedom and security than to send battalions of armor-reinforced mannequin troops to battle without having to worry about defeatist liberals forcing a military redeployment out of Iraq? There would be no more fatalities or casualties among of our brave service men and women for the Democrat Party to cry their crocodile tears over.”

“In my home state of Arizona, we’ve flawlessly worked to bring our military capabilities forward to the 21st century by mastering the use of unmanned drones. The aircraft currently deployed along the U.S./Mexico border are not equipped with missiles, but with just a slight modification, these beauties would be perfect vehicles for our polyurethane patriots.”

Crediting his brainstorm to an incident earlier in the day at the South Carolina Upstate nursing school, Senator McCain apologized to Senator Hillary Clinton for remarks he made while touring their facility.

“I was very glad to meet the dummy, named ‘Hillary,'” McCain said to laughter after a tour of the school. “Is that the name?” – linkage

The maverick Senator, never afraid to speak his mind, later joked, “Who knew that it would take a lot of dummies to lead my campaign out of single digits?”

Crossposted at Daily Kos

 

Beware the Seductive Sinfulness of Univision

Public Service Announcement

You and your family are in grave danger. Thanks to the intrepid research done by no other than Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of California, it has been revealed that cerebral functions are adversely affected by radiative rays emanating from the least-likely of sources:

The crystal blue eyes of Univision Anchorman Jorge Ramos.

Gazing for long periods of time will severely diminish one’s ability to contemplate any English spoken, written or acted out in a friendly game of charades. Side effects of regular exposure include overuse of the hips during dancing, Tourette Syndrome-like actions that cause the victim to yell gritos in public spaces, and an insatiable hunger for salsa that doesn’t come in a can.

It is imperative that you alert everyone and anyone to this virulent pathogen of anti-assimilation disease. The future of the No Child Left Behind Act is dependent upon your vigilance.